Even when you fall...

Recently Larry and I started counseling.  The idea was actually to just put her in counseling...hopefully giving her a place to express things that she isn't comfortable telling me.  But day one her counselor let me know she should be seeing both of us.  I will admit I was scared.  I wasn't sure I was ready to hear Larry's hurts and hang ups.  This is something I have put off for awhile now.  I know she needed this, but I had trouble finding the right person and putting my pride aside to admit she needs something I can't give her.  After "the event" (you may be wondering what the event is...not sure that this is the place, but I will tell you Larry acted out on an impulse that I might have seen coming if she were 16, but I wasn't prepared for it at 12.  She is blessed to have made it out unhurt and alive) I couldn't kid myself anymore.  Even after everything I have given her there is something I that I can't make up for.  She is at the point where she has no control of her emotions...I certainly don't have control of them.  I found a wonderful place for her.  They fix brains...and that is what we need.  Since this kind of thing isn't covered by insurance (I DO NOT understand how they get away with that) it adds up quick.  We are currently at $125 a week.  OUCH! It is worth every penny.  There is a lot of work to do, but I can't imagine trying to get through this without it.  And if there is one thing I am sure of it would be that would go to the end of the earth to give Larry anything and everything she needs.  She is open and looks forward to going, that is half the battle right?

Our first session was hard.  It was hard to hear about the hurt she has from our divorce.  I knew she was angry, but I didn't know that she blames me for so much.  It shouldn't surprise me though.  I remember hoping that she would hate me instead of seeing who her dad had become.  I would rather she hurt me instead of hurting.  Silly me.  This was something I could never protect her from.  Even for me it took months of therapy for me to begin to heal.  I don't blame her for the anger, I don't punish her for it...I get it, I am a safe place for her.  But I don't want that anger to cause her to make mistakes that will change her life forever.  (Oh how I wish she could learn from my mistakes!)  I believe that she will get through this and be stronger for it.  But is hard not to just scoop her up and try to make the pain go away. 

That seemed to be the theme this week in counseling.  I was told that I have to let her try and fail or try and succeed.  I have to let her make those mistakes.  I have to let her find herself on her own.  My job is to love her. I will love her no matter how many times she falls.  But every fiber in my body wants to keep her from falling.  I wish now that I could have shown her a graceful fall.