Recently I heard that any psychologist, therapist, counselor etc. will tell you that the mother daughter relationship is the most complex relationship there is. My mom and I never got along. I used to try to figure out why she did the things she did, but the older I got I stopped trying to find reasons. Now faced with Larry and her hormones I find myself thinking about my mom and me. I still don’t have an answer to why and I am ok with that. But I am on a search to find out how. How did our relationship become that way? I’m not looking for reasons to punish her. In fact this search has very little to do with her. What I am really looking for is what not to do. I can’t remember ever feeling like my mom was proud of me or happy for me. I don’t ever remember feeling like she had my back, that she would defend me. I do remember feeling like no matter what I did it wasn’t enough to make her happy. I remember hearing “You would be pretty if…” I remember just being scared of her. So, I have done my best to tell Larry how smart, funny, pretty she is; how lucky I am to have her. I want to make her laugh and live to see her smile. I hug and kiss her every morning and every night and I always tell her I love her. I imagine that had my mom been this way with me then my life would have been different. (Not playing the blame game. I happen to like my life and welcome its challenges.)
I never wanted Larry to pay for my mistakes. Her dad and I weren’t going to be able to put a silver spoon in her mouth, but we were determined to give her everything she could ever want. I didn’t want her life to be less that what she deserved. I think this is the reason I always defend her first and ask questions later. Maybe I let the pendulum swing too far. Maybe by making excuses for her, by sheltering her I have handicapped her. I wonder if in 10 years she will say that she and I don’t get along because I did everything for her and never believed in her. Scary thought! Nothing could be further from the truth. So, Larry pushes the envelope to make it known to me that she isn’t a baby. She has caused many sleepless nights lately. I would like it known that I caused many sleepless night…BUT I was much older than Larry. I was not prepared for this so soon. Also, for the record, I have profusely apologized to those that tried raising me when I was 14-18. I wish I could give you back your sanity and lost sleep during that time.
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