Even the snail made it to the ark.....

I miss the days Larry would run to me for comfort.  No matter the injury, a hug and kiss fixed it.  Not anymore, not when I am the enemy.  Last night I found myself asking her “how do I fix it if I don’t know what is wrong?”  How do I make this child happy, at least happy enough to not self-destruct? 

The truth is being a teen girl is chronic...for at least 7 more years.  Sugar, spice and everything nice it is not, but there must be a way through this without permanent damage, right?  There was a time that she believed anything I said.  There is the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy.  Strangers are danger and Mom has eyes in the back of her head.  Ha! Not anymore.  No matter what I do she can’t bring herself to trust me.  I can’t possibly know what I am talking about because I am old, huh?   I was never cool (Ok she might have me there actually), I made straight A’s (She REALLY doesn’t know me) and I was perfect.  I don’t know what it is like to think I am fat or not good enough.  I can’t imagine what she goes through every day.  I have no good advice because I have no idea what she is going through.  How tragic that I can't keep her from making the same mistakes I did.  Even more tragic that my kiss doesn't stop her tears anymore.

It appears (most days) that Larry has been abducted by a cruel alien.  It is painful to look into her beautiful eyes and not recognize who or what is looking back at me.  It is hard to reason with this person, but it is even harder as Mom to not try to reason. Maybe I should stop here and explain the purpose of this blog isn’t to be a downer.  Supposedly one day we will look back at this and laugh, I am just setting us up for that day.  Or who knows maybe one day in the VERY distant future (*crossing fingers) Larry will have a daughter that can read this and know that her mom has been there. 

 If I could convince her of one thing it would be that I love her regardless of how much we disagree. I love her when she tells me I don’t care about her and I love her when I have to punish her. 

I don’t know it all.  And sometimes I feel like I don’t know enough.  I am persistent and right now it feels like that’s all I’ve got.

Even when you fall...

Recently Larry and I started counseling.  The idea was actually to just put her in counseling...hopefully giving her a place to express things that she isn't comfortable telling me.  But day one her counselor let me know she should be seeing both of us.  I will admit I was scared.  I wasn't sure I was ready to hear Larry's hurts and hang ups.  This is something I have put off for awhile now.  I know she needed this, but I had trouble finding the right person and putting my pride aside to admit she needs something I can't give her.  After "the event" (you may be wondering what the event is...not sure that this is the place, but I will tell you Larry acted out on an impulse that I might have seen coming if she were 16, but I wasn't prepared for it at 12.  She is blessed to have made it out unhurt and alive) I couldn't kid myself anymore.  Even after everything I have given her there is something I that I can't make up for.  She is at the point where she has no control of her emotions...I certainly don't have control of them.  I found a wonderful place for her.  They fix brains...and that is what we need.  Since this kind of thing isn't covered by insurance (I DO NOT understand how they get away with that) it adds up quick.  We are currently at $125 a week.  OUCH! It is worth every penny.  There is a lot of work to do, but I can't imagine trying to get through this without it.  And if there is one thing I am sure of it would be that would go to the end of the earth to give Larry anything and everything she needs.  She is open and looks forward to going, that is half the battle right?

Our first session was hard.  It was hard to hear about the hurt she has from our divorce.  I knew she was angry, but I didn't know that she blames me for so much.  It shouldn't surprise me though.  I remember hoping that she would hate me instead of seeing who her dad had become.  I would rather she hurt me instead of hurting.  Silly me.  This was something I could never protect her from.  Even for me it took months of therapy for me to begin to heal.  I don't blame her for the anger, I don't punish her for it...I get it, I am a safe place for her.  But I don't want that anger to cause her to make mistakes that will change her life forever.  (Oh how I wish she could learn from my mistakes!)  I believe that she will get through this and be stronger for it.  But is hard not to just scoop her up and try to make the pain go away. 

That seemed to be the theme this week in counseling.  I was told that I have to let her try and fail or try and succeed.  I have to let her make those mistakes.  I have to let her find herself on her own.  My job is to love her. I will love her no matter how many times she falls.  But every fiber in my body wants to keep her from falling.  I wish now that I could have shown her a graceful fall. 
 

Blinders off in 3...2...1

Recently I heard that any psychologist, therapist, counselor etc. will tell you that the mother daughter relationship is the most complex relationship there is.  My mom and I never got along.  I used to try to figure out why she did the things she did, but the older I got I stopped trying to find reasons.  Now faced with Larry and her hormones I find myself thinking about my mom and me.  I still don’t have an answer to why and I am ok with that.  But I am on a search to find out how.  How did our relationship become that way?  I’m not looking for reasons to punish her.  In fact this search has very little to do with her.  What I am really looking for is what not to do.  I can’t remember ever feeling like my mom was proud of me or happy for me.  I don’t ever remember feeling like she had my back, that she would defend me. I do remember feeling like no matter what I did it wasn’t enough to make her happy.  I remember hearing “You would be pretty if…” I remember just being scared of her.  So, I have done my best to tell Larry how smart, funny, pretty she is; how lucky I am to have her.  I want to make her laugh and live to see her smile. I hug and kiss her every morning and every night and I always tell her I love her.  I imagine that had my mom been this way with me then my life would have been different.  (Not playing the blame game.  I happen to like my life and welcome its challenges.)

I never wanted Larry to pay for my mistakes.  Her dad and I weren’t going to be able to put a silver spoon in her mouth, but we were determined to give her everything she could ever want.  I didn’t want her life to be less that what she deserved.  I think this is the reason I always defend her first and ask questions later.  Maybe I let the pendulum swing too far.  Maybe by making excuses for her, by sheltering her I have handicapped her.  I wonder if in 10 years she will say that she and I don’t get along because I did everything for her and never believed in her.  Scary thought! Nothing could be further from the truth.   So, Larry pushes the envelope to make it known to me that she isn’t a baby.  She has caused many sleepless nights lately.  I would like it known that I caused many sleepless night…BUT I was much older than Larry.  I was not prepared for this so soon.  Also, for the record, I have profusely apologized to those that tried raising me when I was 14-18.  I wish I could give you back your sanity and lost sleep during that time.

Introducing Larry

In case you didn’t know, 12 today isn’t what it was in 1992; 12 today really means at least 15.  I never thought that putting my life on hold at 18 to take care of this little life would be easier than parenting a teen.  It would be almost impossible to explain how quickly she can lose the sparkle in her eye and turn on me as if I were the worst person on this planet.  Don’t get me wrong, I love this kid! But it is totally exhausting to try to predict her next move…or mood. 

            Let me tell you about her.  First off, I call her Larry.  (She got that nickname from a texting mishap, and then it just stuck.  I’m not sure why it is so fitting, but it is.)  Larry is beautiful.  She has the kind of beauty that radiates from the inside out.  It is that elusive beauty that you either have or you don’t; it can’t be recreated or faked.  The person behind this kind of beauty isn’t aware of it.  They have no idea how enchanting they are.  I find it bittersweet for her not to realize this; sweet because she isn’t arrogant but bitter because she is in middle school.  (Very few self esteems make out of middle school unscathed.)  Not only is Larry beautiful, she is smart and she always has been.  I wish I could take credit for this one, but she is gifted in math and science both of which are like foreign languages to me.  She has never met a stranger and I prefer to keep to myself.  After meeting you once she will hug you, but you will know me for years before I hug you.  She is hopelessly unorganized but thrives only where there is structure.  I, on the other hand, am fairly organized but resent structure.  All that being said, she has my flare for dramatics, we are both suckers for a sad story and neither of us can make a fast decision.  Larry isn’t afraid to sing out of tune, be silly or have a messy hair.  She isn’t a tomboy but she isn’t especially girly.  She still gets scared of bumps in the night, but there isn’t much else that scares her.  This is Larry and I find her completely charming.  I remember as a baby she captivated me.  I could lose myself in her tiny features.  As she grew so did her personality.  Never once has she lost my devotion and attention.